News Flash! Care-Giving is Hard - Breakfast Menu!

I'm not much for breakfast except for several cups of coffee!  Growing up my dad believed in eggs (scrambled) and milk.  It's possible I was born hating both!  Caveat: I'm not the shiniest penny in the pocketbook apparently!  The number of mornings I sat (under duress) at the breakfast table long after everyone else was gone looking at cold scrambled eggs and warm milk. Both were much worse at those temperatures, but stubbornness won over smart! However, that's a tale for another day!  The point is I love bacon but not eggs!

There is a significant difference between the contribution of the pig and the chicken!  The hen is involved to lay an egg but continues to be capable of making that contribution to the menu day after day.  The pig is committed as the bacon comes at great cost to the pig!

In my family we are committed to taking care of my mother at home despite her increasing and pretty severe dementia!  She isn't easy to care for as she still knows enough to want to be in a different place in life!  I think that goes to the bone! 

I have four sibs.  One of them is a big pig in this process. Another is a smaller pig in the process. The other two are involved in the process, Then, there's me!  I care! I call! I pray! I send cards, but I am very far away!  Another sib is also pretty far away so we get to be "on-site" only occasionally. Both of us - actually all of us - have very busy other lives!

One sib has Mother in her home 24/7 almost (except for the weeks Mother goes to my brother's home for holidays, vacation times for my sister's family, and for a few miscellaneous reasons).  She has significant help in care-givers who come in every day. This sister has the best "set up" in her home to care for Mother. My sister has a self-contained apartment which was added to her home when she cared for her husband's parents until they went to heaven. But, it IS 24/7 being the pig on this breakfast menu. Then, there's me - almost not even a chicken in the process!

In many ways, care-giving for a disabled loved one is a pig job! It's very hard! There is a cost. It is a choice, but it's also being hands on 24/7!  Big time love fuels that commitment, but it doesn't mitigate the hard!

My brother too is amazing in that he takes almost every Tuesday to spend the day caring for Mother in my sister's home. He has a consulting business which requires his flying to Washington DC from Greenville SC for one client two days every week. He's definitely at least a little pig in this process!

It hurts my heart increasingly to be so far away!  I see the toll and the pain for the care-givers. I love Mother! I love them too!  It's not a "job" you don't take home! It's always there!

I know other care-givers who live the same committed life, and I marvel!  Here's to all the "pigs" who give care to a loved one with very special needs!  Here's to all the "hens", but the biggest shout-out goes to the "pigs"!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart especially to my sibs!

I Saw Love!

I saw love at the movie theater

I went to the movies a couple of weeks ago to see “Lincoln…”

But instead, I saw Love. ….               (Posted on December 11, 2012 by katiewetherbee)

My husband was treating me to a movie and burger date for my birthday. For me, going to the movies is a huge treat. I love the atmosphere…the anticipation when purchasing tickets, the hushed feel of a darkened theatre…the fun of the previews and the uninterrupted enjoyment of a story on film.

When we arrived, Tom went to get the tickets and I ducked into the ladies room. We were running a bit late, and so I hurried in, pleased that it wasn’t crowded. In fact, only one other person was there…an older lady wearing a red winter cap on her grey curls. She smiled at me as I ducked into the stall. When I emerged, she was still there, pacing back and forth, humming to herself. As I made my way toward the sink, she turned and followed me.
And then she spoke.

“I can’t find my way out of here,” she said quietly.

“Well,” I replied, “I know the way out. We’ll go together as soon as I wash my hands.”

She smiled and waited for me. We walked out together, and she murmured, ” You seem like a kind person. Don’t ever let this happen to your brain.”

“Is someone here with you?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “My…” her voice trailed off when she saw him, her delight shining in her smile. “There he is!” She pointed to a gentleman wearing a plaid flannel shirt.

Her husband’s worried look was replaced with relief when he saw her.

“Yes. Here I am,” he said, “Let’s go.” He nodded and smiled in my direction and gently took her hand.

I found Tom and we made our way into the theater and found a seat. Settling next to us were my ladies room friend and her husband.

Soon, the lights dimmed and “Lincoln” began. We were transported to the Civil War, mesmerized by the scenic design, costumes and acting.

About halfway through the movie, the lady shifted in her seat, becoming disoriented and agitated. Her husband immediately stood, and put his arm around her, whispering comfort to her as they walked out of the theater.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things… (from 1 Corinthians 13, NRSV)

 

I saw love at the movie theater. … and I saw it in action. Clad in a flannel shirt, holding a wrinkled, familiar hand, whispering comfort.

This blog post is by my dear friend Katie Weatherbee. I had no warning it was going to be a sweet sucker-punch but it was!

You see, Katie could be describing my own dear parents: Ed (Buddy) and Austin Robeson. They loved with just such a love for all the world to see! My mother like the lady in the restroom is mostly confused and fragile mentally – much more often than not! She also has a hard time sitting still! And, I must say, my daddy would have done just what the man Katie wrote about did. He would gently get up, hold her hand even as stooped as he was from severe Parkinson’s and lead her from the theater.

Then there is the part about the flannel plaid shirt. My daddy always wore a plaid flannel shirt in the later years.

They loved each other with a holy love! I know the couple in Katie’s story isn’t my sweet Mother and Daddy because my daddy slipped away to heaven a few months ago and my mother is still confused about “why he doesn’t come around anymore.” She just can’t take in that he’s gone ahead without her. She just told me this afternoon that she expects to see him standing with Jesus when she comes to heaven’s gate. She said, “I’m gonna smile, wave and start running to Buddy and Jesus!” She will too! ‘Cause then it won’t matter anymore that her knees have nothing but bone rubbing on bone or that she totters! Then it won’t matter any longer that she loses her balance and doesn’t have the strength to do what her mind wants her dear old body to do. What will matter is that Jesus is there and Buddy too! It’s a wonderful thing to find love, Katie, whether it’s in life or in a theater! Thanks for sharing your story so I could share mine!

       --used by permission: http://katiewetherbee.wordpress.com/2012/12/11/i-saw-love-at-the-movie-theater/

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day - my favorite holiday!
I've always loved Valentine's Day! Maybe it's because the love in relationships is SO important to me!
One of the great love examples in my life is the love my parents have for each other - sets an incredibly high bar for what love in marriage needs to be.
My friend Jolene posted this personal story on her blog today and I share it and my comment with you just because what she said touched my heart so deeply:

Mom’s Valentine’s Day Wish
Posted on February 13, 2012 by Jolene Philo and borrowed by me February 14, 2012 so I could share with you.

When Mom and I kept our standing lunch date last Tuesday, I mentioned that our next lunch would fall on Valentine’s Day. “That’s kind of fun, Mom. What would you like for Valentine’s Day?”She thought for a few seconds. “Well, what I really want for Valentine’s Day I can’t have.” She fiddled with her coffee cup. “So I might as well not mention it.”“Go ahead,” I encouraged her. “What do you really want?”“What I really want is a few more years with your dad before his mind went…” She paused and moved her fingers in a circle at the side of her head. Her brow furrowed, and her blue eyes looked sad. “…you know, before he was…”“I know,” I whispered.“He wasn’t with me that way long enough,” Mom sighed.I nodded, not knowing what to say. There are no words for Mom’s loss. Dad’s diagnosis of multiple sclerosis at age 29, less than 10 years after their marriage. The love of her life struck down by multiple sclerosis. The end of her dream of being the wife of a county extension agent and mother to an increasing brood of kids. The loss of the bread winner, the protector, and leader of the family she loved so much and taking on those roles for the next 38 years as Dad slowly failed and finally died at age 67.Now, 15 years after his death, what does Mom want for Valentine’s Day?Not chocolate.Not flowers.Not a card.She wants a few more years with her husband as he once was.I looked at her, across the table, and said, “We can’t know what life would have been like if he hadn’t gotten sick. But I do know the life you gave us was a good one. You raised us well.”She nodded and smiled. “I did a pretty good job, didn’t I?”“You did,” I agreed and helped her into her coat and out the door.Hiram’s off tomorrow, so we’re going down together to see Mom. We’ll take her to lunch at Culver’s, one of her favorite places to eat. Mainly because she loves their frozen turtle custard.Over dessert, we’ll tease her like Dad did. We’ll talk about his love of ice cream, his silly jokes, his infectious grin, the goofy songs he loved to sing, the cribbage rules he invented as he played.Compared to what Mom has lost, lunch at Culvers doesn’t seem like much. But perhaps, sharing memories of Dad and indulging in the laughter and dessert he loved will bring him to her in some small way. Perhaps, over frozen custard, we can give Mom a memory of what she’s wanted for Valentine’s Day for years.

Ann Holmes on February 14, 2012: Jolene –This is SO sweet and SO true!My parents are 91 – married almost 68 years. My mother has advanced dementia and my dad has Parkinson’s. He has only been able to acknowledge her dementia for the last year – denied it for years – as it was too painful to acknowledge. They love each other with an incredible love – sit as close as they can get (with a wheelchair between them) and hold hands! Daddy just wants to live longer than Mother does. He is her center in many ways. I hope you had a wonderful lunch with your mom. I love your idea! Ann

If you are married, then I wish this kind of love for you! If not, don't settle for less than this kind of love! It IS the greatest human love and is a glimpse into heaven!