I love to read! I just finished Jan Karon's book Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good where the reader has more adventures with Father Tim in Mitford.
There is a scene in the book when Coot's mother died. A neighbor calls Father Tim to come in the midst of a major snowstorm. Nothing but snowplows are moving, and Coot lives too far away to walk.
So Father Tim actually rides the snowplow until he is close enough to "plow" through the 15-inch snow on his own. When Father Tim arrives, Jan Karon writes:
Seminary didn’t teach specifically about consoling the
bereaved; that was something that came with on-the-job training. … Mostly, he
was simply there, a warm body in a sweater with a reindeer on the front. He found a tea bag and made tea and added
sugar and gave it to Coot. Then he sat next to him on the side of the bed and
held on to his old friend and didn’t let go for a long while.
That pretty much nails it! It doesn't take a seminary degree or training in counseling to be a presence of comfort! It may and often does require a great deal of effort! It does require heart! Father Tim braved a blizzard to get to Coot so he can BE that presence!
I have a sister and brother-in-law* (*spelled brother-in-love) who are caring for his aged father who is deeper into his dementia every day. It's not easy! It is exhausting! It requires loss of sleep, constant diligence, energy that might feel like it has got-up-and-when, and presence to be the hand, feet, and heart of Jesus for another person! They are walking that walk because they can and because they must! Someone is depending on them in big ways and small! And they love that man. They are willing to give new meaning to sitting next to him on the side of his bed. They hold onto him and don't let go for a very long time - as long as it takes!
Are you a care-giver for someone with special needs - your child, spouse, friend or other? If so, you know exactly what I'm talking about - running on fumes! There's just not much left to give! Respite or relief seems too far away to get there on the fumes. You begin the day more weary than you ended yesterday! The days blur as they run one into another. The needs remain the same or become greater. It's just plain hard, and there's no gas in your tank!
The details are unique to your situation. I don't have a special needs child in my home. I do have a mother who lives many states away with rapidly advancing Alzheimer's. I am certainly not on the frontlines involved in her care. But, I do a LOT of care-giving! That's what most of my life is about. That's especially hard when there are only fumes in the tank. So, I get that part!
As a pastor's wife, I can't hide from people needs. My heart won't let me! Believe me that I have LOTS of stories of care-giving over the years. Some of them are pretty messy! Some are short; some are VERY long! Often there is no one else to help shoulder the need for even a little while! And, always there's that running on fumes thing!
People talk about boundaries - healthy ones! That's great, but once you or I are signed on for duty especially care-giving, there are few options beyond just doing what needs to be done even when you're running on fumes! Tired is a reality but quitting or just checking out to rest may not be an option for many care-givers. The needs that require care-giving don't take a vacation! They just keep coming day in and day out.
I don't have the answer for the running on fumes thing! And, I have struggled for 5 days with how to end this post! That's how low I am running on fumes! THEN this morning it came to me: even Jesus came to the running on fumes part. That was when He knew He had to recharge/refill so He would trudge off and up a mountainside to be alone and pray! He didn't have disposable time to go on a retreat or something. People needs pressed Him on every side all day every day! He sacrificed more and went without sleep to get alone and pray! But, the end result was that His Father supplied the fumes problem every single time. He will do the same for me and you!
I'm not much for breakfast except for several cups of coffee! Growing up my dad believed in eggs (scrambled) and milk. It's possible I was born hating both! Caveat: I'm not the shiniest penny in the pocketbook apparently! The number of mornings I sat (under duress) at the breakfast table long after everyone else was gone looking at cold scrambled eggs and warm milk. Both were much worse at those temperatures, but stubbornness won over smart! However, that's a tale for another day! The point is I love bacon but not eggs!
There is a significant difference between the contribution of the pig and the chicken! The hen is involved to lay an egg but continues to be capable of making that contribution to the menu day after day. The pig is committed as the bacon comes at great cost to the pig!
In my family we are committed to taking care of my mother at home despite her increasing and pretty severe dementia! She isn't easy to care for as she still knows enough to want to be in a different place in life! I think that goes to the bone!
I have four sibs. One of them is a big pig in this process. Another is a smaller pig in the process. The other two are involved in the process, Then, there's me! I care! I call! I pray! I send cards, but I am very far away! Another sib is also pretty far away so we get to be "on-site" only occasionally. Both of us - actually all of us - have very busy other lives!
One sib has Mother in her home 24/7 almost (except for the weeks Mother goes to my brother's home for holidays, vacation times for my sister's family, and for a few miscellaneous reasons). She has significant help in care-givers who come in every day. This sister has the best "set up" in her home to care for Mother. My sister has a self-contained apartment which was added to her home when she cared for her husband's parents until they went to heaven. But, it IS 24/7 being the pig on this breakfast menu. Then, there's me - almost not even a chicken in the process!
In many ways, care-giving for a disabled loved one is a pig job! It's very hard! There is a cost. It is a choice, but it's also being hands on 24/7! Big time love fuels that commitment, but it doesn't mitigate the hard!
My brother too is amazing in that he takes almost every Tuesday to spend the day caring for Mother in my sister's home. He has a consulting business which requires his flying to Washington DC from Greenville SC for one client two days every week. He's definitely at least a little pig in this process!
It hurts my heart increasingly to be so far away! I see the toll and the pain for the care-givers. I love Mother! I love them too! It's not a "job" you don't take home! It's always there!
I know other care-givers who live the same committed life, and I marvel! Here's to all the "pigs" who give care to a loved one with very special needs! Here's to all the "hens", but the biggest shout-out goes to the "pigs"! Thank you from the bottom of my heart especially to my sibs!
Green eggs and ham? I think there's a book with that name, but this isn't a book review. This is about the breakfast menu. Which has more commitment to the breakfast menu - the chicken or the pig? It's a no-brainer! The chicken is involved; the pig is committed!
But, this isn't about breakfast. It's about care-giving!
In my family my four sibs (if you count blood or nine if you, like my mother, count love), we all care for my mother. She needs lots of care. She is 92 feeble. She has Alzheimer's with its many complicating issues. She lost her 70+ year companion (my dad who was her rock) a year ago today. But, like the breakfast menu, some of us are pigs; others are chickens.
One sister and her husband have Mother in their home. They give her 24/7 love and care, and their responsibilities are not easy! They are pigs! They are totally committed!
My brother and his wife are the stand-in-the-gap emergency response team taking Mother to their home for breaks and other emergencies! They are little pigs, but don't tell them I said so! They like horses more than pigs!
The rest of us - sisters all - are the chickens! We are involved. We go when we can. We pray many times each day and often in the night. We send flowers and cards. We call and have rambling, random conversations with Mother.
Recently I've been thinking about this "care-giving breakfast menu" we have going. I think it's a common phenomenon in giving care. Some are chickens. Some are pigs. Both are needed. The chickens are involved. The pigs are committed!
